There Is No Chart: Learn the Person, Not the Type
Every few weeks, somebody asks me what type of submissive they have, like there’s a chart somewhere and once you find the right box, you get the color-coded manual.
I mean, I get why. You want to understand the person you’re with and figure out how to bring out the best in them. (Yes, I’m assuming the best of people here. In a real dynamic, you check instead of assuming.)
But I think we can get so caught up in identifying a type that we forget to pay attention to the actual person.
So how do you actually read a submissive?
I pay attention. I ask questions. Lots of questions. I tell them what I’m noticing and see whether it’s something we need to communicate about. Then I keep paying attention, because what someone says about themselves and what you learn by watching their actions over time don’t always line up, and that is important information. Not necessarily because they’re hiding something. Sometimes people just don’t have the words for what they want yet. Sometimes they surprise themselves.
Most of the submissives I’ve had are strong, incredibly capable people with independent lives and what a lot of folks would call manly jobs, so it still surprises me how devoted and puddled some of them get, and how deeply they enjoy feminization and humiliation. That’s my old belief system whispering about who they’re supposed to be, and it’s almost always wrong.
Then I leave room to adjust, and I do. Because learning someone isn’t a one-time assignment you finish and file away. A human isn’t necessarily the same person today that they were yesterday, and I have yet to meet two who are exactly alike.
What works for one person might do nothing for another.
Some people thrive on structure. Some want to be challenged. Some want to be taken care of. Some want a specific role or responsibility that gives their submission meaning. Some want to surrender so completely that they don’t have to think, speak, or make decisions for a while.
None of those preferences automatically tells you what someone needs from you in every other part of the dynamic, either.
That’s why labels can be useful starting points, but they’re terrible substitutes for actually paying attention. Labels can also bring a lot of should into a dynamic, because they can carry preconceived ideas or even old belief systems. Two people can share the same type of submission and want very different things from the person they’re submitting to.
Your job isn’t to make someone fit the type you’ve assigned them, or even the one they’ve assigned themselves. It’s to learn who you’re actually dealing with, what their submission means to them, and what the two of you can build together.
And knowing yourself first, deeply, is so important to everything that follows. Have you done the work you need to do to be the Domme you want to be? Are your old belief systems getting in the way of how you show up and build your D/s dynamics?
And yes, this bleeds into punishment, too. More on that soon.
If this post made you want to get better at reading people, that’s a big part of Wildfire: Light the Spark. The workbook has you do the work on yourself first, because you can’t read anyone clearly while you’re guessing at who you are. Get Wildfire here. 18+.
If you want help reading your own dynamic, that’s what Written Witness and coaching are for. Start here.
New here? Start with the Keys. Key One is free.
I see you. I hear you. You are safe. And you will fly.
~ Miss Ruby
Keep Reading
Consent frameworks: SSC, RACK and PRICK: missrubyrise.com/consent-frameworks-ssc-rack-prick
The Keys. Key One is free: missrubyrise.com/keys
Wildfire: Light the Spark, the longer version of this post: missrubyrise.com/wildfire
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