Asking Your Partner For This
You don’t have to explain your whole fantasy. You have to start a conversation that doesn’t feel like pressure.
What tends to go wrong
~ Handing over a list. A list can feel like a to-do list.
~ Asking them to want your thing. If they say yes to please you, you won’t know what they actually want.
~ Treating it as a test. Their answer isn’t a verdict on the relationship.
Start Here
1. Say what you want to feel, not what you want done. “I want to feel like you’re in charge” is easier to hear than a list of acts.
2. Pick three things, not thirty. Three things you’d love, and what you’d feel when they happen.
3. Ask what they’re curious about. Even “nothing yet” is an answer.
4. Make no easy to say. “I’d like to tell you something, and there’s no pressure to say yes tonight.”
5. Give it time. Don’t push for an answer in the first conversation.
Try This Tonight
Write down your three things and what you want to feel with each. Don’t show anyone yet. Notice which one is hardest to write. That’s usually the one that matters.
If the answer is “not yet”, “not now” or “no”
A no is information, not a rejection. Ask what she’d want instead, and listen without selling. If it keeps stalling, a counselor who’s comfortable with kink can help both of you.
Read Next
[POST 1: Fantasy Is Not a Plan]
[POST 2: The Check-In Question Nobody Asks]
[POST 3: Two Words Undermining Authority]
[POST 4: Consent]