Chastity Found Me Before Femdom Did
Chastity found me before I found femdom. For me, it’s been difficult to enjoy femdom without it. I could give instructions, I could hold attention for an evening, but I wasn’t actually in control of anything that mattered day to day. I wanted it to feel more lasting. Chastity is what did that for me, and not for the reason a lot of people assume.
Oh how I do love some delicious tease and denial, It’s not about denial for its own sake. It’s about what a man’s mind does once it isn’t constantly pulled toward the same thing. Chastity takes that pull away and gives it somewhere else to go. Some of it goes toward figuring out what he actually wants for himself, underneath the noise. And a lot of it goes toward figuring out what he wants to give to me, and to us. That’s the part nobody talks about. The pleasure in the relationship starts to come from me, specifically, on purpose, sometimes entirely. And rewiring a man’s brain to actually believe that takes time. Chastity is the first step in that process. Not the whole thing. The first step.
The pressure I put on myself
Something I admittedly thought early on was locking someone up meant I had just signed up to run everything. Now it’s my job to initiate. Now every decision about his pleasure sits on my desk, permanently, and if I get it wrong somehow that’s on me too. Would it be enough? Was I lacking? Was I putting unrealistic expectations on myself? I built that pressure alone, in my head. Nobody handed it to me.
What actually happened is experience. He really did want to be denied. He really didn’t want to cum. He really did want to stay locked. And the guilt I’d been carrying, guilt I invented for myself, started to lift, because I finally believed that what I was doing wasn’t withholding something from him. It was giving him exactly what he was craving. That’s a powerful thing to hold.
Once that settled, it stopped feeling like a burden or stressful and started feeling like something else entirely. Lighter. Sexier than the pressure had ever let me believe it could be. It was like a wildfire started inside of me, once I stopped being afraid of getting it wrong.
Lock it and forget it
In my experience, a common break in this particular kind of dynamic, and it can be subtle as hell, is a woman locking her partner up, and that becomes the whole relationship. He’s locked, she wears a cute little key or just throws it in a drawer. That’s it, nothing else needed. And then the bedroom goes quiet in every other way too, before it seeps into other areas of the home and of life… because the cage has quietly become a substitute for actual attention rather than a piece of it.
If all you wanted was to lock it and forget it, I’d ask you to look harder at why you started in the first place. There’s nothing wrong with wanting control. But putting a device on someone and then disappearing from the relationship isn’t control. It’s neglect wearing high heels.
I don’t love the word failure, honestly. Nobody fails at this. You might make a mess of it, you might get something wrong, but every one of those is something to learn from, not a verdict on whether you’re cut out for this. Lock and forget just happens to be the mess I’ve watched people make most often.
What people get wrong before they even start
Two things, and they can mirror each other.
She thinks she’s about to sign up for every decision, every bit of the labor, all of it landing on her with no time left over. I felt that imbalance too, before I actually understood how this works. It isn’t true, but it’s the fear that stops a lot of women before they ever try.
He thinks the opposite. He’s imagining constant attention, her hands on him, her focus locked onto his pleasure around the clock, all of it centered on what he wants. I, I, I, I. That’s usually where his head goes.
Neither one of those pictures is actually true, and neither one of them is actually about the other person yet. Honestly looking at what he’s feeling, matching it against what she actually needs, and finding the place in the middle where those overlap is the sweet spot. Many never even get that far, because they never talked about what they each wanted before they started. That’s where things get clouded. Not in the device, but in the uncommunicated expectations and lack of communication before it ever went on.
I see you. I hear you. You are safe. And you will fly.
~ Miss Ruby
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