New-to-Leading

New To Leading

Maybe you’ve wanted this for years. Maybe someone you love just told you what they want and you’re still catching your breath. Either way, you don’t need to know what you’re doing yet. You need to start small, be honest about what you like, and keep checking in.

What most new leaders worry about

“I’ll go too far.” That worry is a good sign, because it means you care about the person. You handle it with agreements made ahead of time, small first steps, and a talk afterward.

“I’ll seem insecure.” Saying please and thank you doesn’t make you less in charge. Authority isn’t coldness. Nervous leaders tend to over-explain and over-check, so decide more and explain less.

“Am I only doing this for him?” You’re allowed to enjoy leading. Ask yourself what you like about it, not only what he wants.

Start Small

~ Agree on a pause word and a color check (green, yellow, red) before anything else.

~ Keep a first punishment small and winnable. Talk about it before and after. Silence is not the same as okay.

~ Pick one small thing to decide. Where you eat, what’s on, who does what tonight. Notice how it feels to decide without asking permission.

~ Check in the next day. One text is enough.

Check-ins when you do most of the talking

If you’re the talker, stop asking him to talk and give him small jobs.

One-word answers. Pick the words ahead of time: green, yellow, red, or more, same, less.

Call and response. He says a phrase after each thing you do. If it doesn’t come, you pause.

Check in character. “Does that sting, or are you still with me?” keeps the mood and gets you an answer.

Leave a beat after the cruelest lines so he has room to react. Your silence is information too.

Try This Tonight

Make one small decision and make it yours. Then ask him one question afterward: “What was that like?”